Vision

I use to have really poor vision. From the time I was in 2nd grade until I was 40 and my Mother gave me LASIK as a birthday present. Most of my life I would take off my glasses and see smudges of reality, blurred images of things that were there but I couldn't make out until I put back on my glasses. I lived in 2 realities. I didn't know any different so it seemed normal. If things bothered me I took off my glasses. If I got hurt I took off my glasses. If someone died I took off my glasses. Perfection in escapism. Alcohol, drugs, sex...none of these things made my mind shut down like seeing the world as a muted version of what it was. I depended on the blur. I embraced the fog. The day I had LASIK I remember being taken home to rest, high on Valium, burning eyes. I fell asleep in my bed and woke up at 3am. For the 1st time in my life without my glasses I saw the time on the clock on my bedside table. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy. I woke my husband and laughed and jumped around at what I could see. I really believed this would change my life forever. And for awhile it did. Good things happened. Great things happened. But I soon realized life still had times when bad things happen. Really bad things happen. 12 years after LASIK I now wear reading glasses. I still see the numbers clearly on the clock. I still see life in full crisp optics. But sometimes I put on my reading glasses and look in the distance. Things are blurred. I can't see what these things are. Life is muted. And for some reason I find comfort in that. I remember who I am. I am calm and still in my mind for a time. And once again I escape.