(In his head)
No, I am not going to tell you my age! The teacher of this class knows and that is enough. I don’t do age. Besides, it’s a casting issue. (Points to himself) Actor, you know.
I know, I know, I shouldn’t care about my age cause I’m a guy, a man (chuckles), a boy. Yeah, we really don’t grow up. Peter Pan and all that bull shit. But, come on, you all participate in it. You cater to us, take care of us, baby us. You’re stupid, all of you, (in smarmy voice) all of you Ladies. OK, I’m not so smart myself. Fuck me! OK Fuckers, I’m thirty-eight. Thirty-eight and not happy! Hear me?!? NOT HAPPY! What I don’t need to be doing is sitting in a DUI class with all of these losers. See that guy? He lives on my street. He’s an insurance salesman...pathetic, boring, and ridiculous. He got a DUI walking. You gotta be pretty stupidly drunk to get a DUI walking. At least I was driving... erratically.
See the problem was my girlfriend made me stop drinking so much cause, well, I was a little out of hand, you know, howling at the moon, and she put her foot down, literally, her foot, on my chest, and said she would kick my ass if I didn’t chill out. So, see my resistance was down, and I had one shot. OK, maybe a couple of drinks before that, but I’m Irish, you know, so, where the fuck is my luck.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
And come on, look at that one. He looks like a criminal, Tats everywhere, even on his head. Whoa, that one’s cool. I’d look ridiculous with that, but it’s cool. Maybe I could do the snake.
(Singing in his head) do doo doo doo do
(Head down, then up fast) Did I fall asleep?
Oh My God!!!
This is the most boring thing I have ever had to do.
She’s kinda hot.
(Repeats mantra - like)
I have a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
Anyway according to my “girlfriend” I am supposed to be learning something from this. Things happen in life to teach us things, so we can grow. Yeah, right! She is so full of crap! I just got caught.
Teacher has boobies, big boobies, tits, tits, tits…..
(Plays with his fingers)
I wish they’d let you play on your iPod.
All this talk about liver is really making me hungry. Did she say liver? Is pate liver? Pate is so good.
I love Gordon Ramsey’s food. I am so hungry. What time is it?
Time is...? Oh my God, fifteen more minutes.
Wait, wait she’s letting us out early. Can it be? Come on booby lady…..wait for it, wait for it…
(Shouts out loud) Yes! Yes! Yes!
Time for a drink.
See you next week.
